My Love, My Only
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: Spoilers for "A Storm of Swords" and "A Dance with Dragons." Now as the darkness closed around him, he thought of her again. He thought of meeting her on the other side. As his bleeding body fell, he thought of seeing her again, and the thought made him smile.


_My Love, My Only_

Jon Snow didn't feel the last knives that entered his body. He didn't feel the coldness that seeped through him. His last thought before the blackness took him was of the woman he had loved. _Ygritte… _He saw her flaming red hair again, and heard her strange way of speaking. Jon Snow felt her smile, and felt her breath tickle his ear as his body fell to the ground. _"You know nothing, Jon Snow."_ Before the blackness too him, he thought, _You're right, Ygritte. I know nothing. _

All of his life, Jon Snow had vowed to never to father a bastard. To father a bastard meant he would fall to the shame his lord father had, and cause the child he fathered to go through the same life he had led. _It's not a good life for a child, _Jon had thought to himself at a young age after feeling the loneliness of being alone. Arya had not yet been born, and lying sick with fever in bed made Jon realize how alone he was in the world. The thoughts of fathering a bastard hadn't crossed his mind when he made love to Ygritte. His vows to the Night's Watch had been forsaken during those times, and it was only when Jon draped his arm around Ygritte's sleeping form did he realize that he did not care. Once in his dreams, he saw a little boy and a little girl with dark red hair and grey eyes. Jon remembered how good he had felt after that dream. _I will take no wife, nor father no children…_

Jon Snow hadn't thought about falling in love. Love, he thought, was above a lowly bastard son such as him. _Love had caused my father betray his lady wife. _He couldn't take the risk. Somehow he didn't think that Ygritte believed in love either. Wildlings were barbarians by nature, and had no pleasant feelings for their comrades or loved ones. Ygritte one time told him that wildings never named their children until they were two years old. But somehow in both of the hearts, they had found love unlike any other. Jon found himself smiling more often whenever Ygritte was around, and feeling his heart beat faster when she laid the crock of her head against his chest. He couldn't help but to feel so alive when he made love to her, and halftimes he wondered if simply having sex was any different. The sight of her hair and her smile made him to forget everything; his vows, his mission, and his promise to never father a bastard. There was only her. _Ygritte…_

Now as he fell as Ygritte must have fallen, Jon thought of her death, something that he didn't think regularly about, simply because it caused him too much pain. He thought of his own desperate words as he tried to not stare at the bleeding hole in her chest. He thought of how much it _scared _him to think that Ygritte might die. _"Oh, you know nothing, Jon Snow…"_ Those were the last words he heard coming from her mouth. Jon remembered sitting there with his lover in his arms, his mind screaming to Ygritte to open her eyes and tell him again of how he knew nothing. But it was silent. Jon's face was frozen with cold and snow was melting on his face when he realized that Ygritte was dead. Or were they tears? Jon hadn't told anyone of how he cried and muffled his sobs as he watched his beloved's body becoming cinders and ashes. He never told his men of how his selfishly wished that he _had _listened to Ygritte and stayed in the cave. _I should have let them die, _he thought as relentless tears streaked down his cheeks. _If the gods were good….if they were good…Ygritte and I would be happy, alive and together. _Jon Snow refused to think of the amount of times he dreamed of Ygritte's smile and of the red-haired and grey-eyed children that ran after her. He didn't tell anyone of how some nights, he couldn't go to sleep when he realized again and again that he had killed her. It hadn't been his arrow of course, but he had given the order. He had deemed the fate of the Night's Watch more important than her. _That's not true, Ygritte. I…_

_ "You need to only bend the knee, lay your sword at my feet, and pledge myself to my service, and rise again as Jon Stark, the lord of Winter fell." _Jon Snow would have bended the knee to the King, but something had been missing in his requests. If Ygritte had lived and if she had been willing, Jon would have done all those things for the King. He would have forsaken his father's gods and relinquished his pride in being a member of the Night's Watch. He wouldn't have cared what any man thought of him no longer, and would have followed the King even when he knew that the actions were wrong. Jon Snow would have done all that if Ygritte had been alive. But she had not been, her blood soiled on the hands of her lover, and so Jon had refused.

_I am through with kissing. _Every time when he saw another women or a young girl, it only reminded Jon of Ygritte. His heart had been closed with ice since her death, and he hadn't thought about another woman since the day she fell in his arms. At times Jon still felt her sweet breath in his ear, and her smile as they laughed together. Jon felt her breasts against his chest, and felt her deft hands sliding across his body. He remembered of how Ygritte had giggled at the thought that he had been a maid before he found her. _That is the truth. I will never take another woman to my bed again, for you are my only, Ygritte._

Now as the darkness closed around him, he thought of her again. He thought of meeting her on the other side. As his bleeding body fell, he thought of seeing her again, and the thought made him smile. _I will see you soon…Ygritte…my love, my only._


End file.
